neuroceptive safety

Connection begins at the subcortical level, making sure that the midbrain and subconscious mind are receiving signals of safety and security in order to not elicit implicit defenses. Assessment begins at the core, evaluating neuroceptive safety between partner’s nervous systems and enhancing security at the subconscious level. Once the core of a relationship feels more secure in terms of the big questions (do I matter to you, do you love me, do you have my back, do you watch for what I need, etc), peripheral issues such as cleanliness, communication, money management, sex and parenting can be addressed more effectively.

connection

Connection is a felt sense of trusting the partner you’re with and feeling loved by them. To feel connected, both subconscious mind (i.e. nervous system) and conscious mind need to check certain boxes. Attachment theory informs our understanding of what helps the mind and body feel secure. The therapist learns interventions that develop secure functioning at both implicit and explicit levels. Connection can include a relationship’s romantic aspects, how people show up for each other in mundane tasks, and the quality of emotional attunement and support between partners, and varies by relationship. The clinician learns how to facilitate and deepen connection in a variety of relationship types.

love

Love is the feeling most people want in their relationships. While there is a certain X factor to when we feel love with another person, love can actually be developed intentionally through an understanding of how the brain attaches to others and what causes it to value certain relationships. These factors that generate love include emotional attunement, looking out for someone else’s needs (i.e. not being too self-centered), living in a two-person psychological system, and a sense of safety and security. Skills include emotional intimacy, touch, kindness, non-verbal communication of warmth and friendliness, and communication skills that telegraph connection and resilience, even in disagreements. While many partners develop a defended culture that inhibits intimacy, through practice we retrain implicit systems and develop secure habits to produce more love.

Communication

While much of connection is determined by subcortical systems, explicit communication has an important role in navigating partner differences of habit, opinion and culture elegantly. We seek to develop a secure partner system that is open minded, curious, flexible and resilient by helping partners practice interactions that build those capabilities. While many partners complain about poor communication in their relationship, solving the matter is not as simple as teaching communication tools, as there are often deeper emotional or implicit reasons why communication feels strained. The clinician learns to assess at what level communication is being compromised and address them all to develop partner interactions that feel relaxed, pleasant, safe and engaged, producing equal shared power, mutual interest, and joint decision making in conversation.